Marcie I cannot even get into this next section the first 100 pages are so filled with awe and wonderment - so much I am having a difficult time even putting it all on paper - I am blown away with what Steven Galloway had done -
All that and I'm struggling to articulate my thoughts - as usual one bit of insight leads to another - I am still putting it all together - These characters each appear to represent one of the 5 stages of Grief - it is as if they represent the Grief for a nation almost as if they were a human nerve connection to Sarajevo - and then after the first bits that explain each in their individual stage of grief they seem to carry that designation, the attributes of that stage of Grief into a Wake, as each of their lives is a vigil to Sarajevo as mourners at a wake remembering its life.
The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live without what or whom we lost.
The Cellist, who almost dream like continues with what was magnificent about life in Sarajevo - In the story he has not another name other then The Cellist making his character almost a whisper, a numb overwhelming expression of the incomprehensible. He silently and with great care in slow motion, with no sense of daring death, he raises his bow to his instrument.
DENIAL is the first of the five stages of grief. It helps us to survive the loss. In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial. We go numb. We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why we should go on.
We try to find a way to simply get through each day. Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible. Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle.
As you accept the reality of the loss and start to ask yourself questions, you are unknowingly beginning the healing process. You are becoming stronger, and the denial is beginning to fade. But as you proceed, all the feelings you were denying begin to surface.
I really want to go back to each and quote the words and actions expressing their stage of grief but the task is great.
Arrow, filled with righteous anger - she is so consumed by her anger she is like the pointed projectile of her name - with one purpose, as if the destruction of Sarajevo was the bow that pulled the arrow, she has no other emotion or purpose. She says, "I don't kill to benefit myself, or you." Then why? - Back to the early part - the answer is there - summed up, "But she knows it isn't up to her. You don't choose what to believe. Belief chooses you." The Spanish interpretation of her name is 'warlike' - far from living in denial.
ANGER is a necessary stage of the healing process. Be willing to feel your anger, even though it may seem endless. The more you truly feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate and the more you will heal. There are many other emotions under the anger and you will get to them in time, but anger is the emotion we are most used to managing.
The truth is that anger has no limits. It can extend not only to your friends, the doctors, your family, yourself and your loved one who died, but also to God. You may ask, “Where is God in this? Underneath anger is pain, your pain. It is natural to feel deserted and abandoned, but we live in a society that fears anger.
Anger is strength and it can be an anchor, giving temporary structure to the nothingness of loss. At first grief feels like being lost at sea: no connection to anything. Then you get angry at someone, maybe a person who didn’t attend the funeral, maybe a person who isn’t around, maybe a person who is different now that your loved one has died. Suddenly you have a structure – – your anger toward them.
The anger becomes a bridge over the open sea, a connection from you to them. It is something to hold onto; and a connection made from the strength of anger feels better than nothing.We usually know more about suppressing anger than feeling it.
The anger is just another indication of the intensity of your love.
Kenan bargains and bargains - as if it is all a bad dream and Europe will come to save them. If he is the water carrier he may put off being called upon as a soldier where he thinks his chances of death are greater. He is afraid of dying but then his children; so for them he bargains, he must be spared - or if he walks this route - or stays out of the army - or is considered important because he gets good clean water - walks for clean water so they will not get sick and die should be worth something to the gods of fate - he keeps his promises to get water regardless the containers and the risk - the shoe never drops as he risks his fate crossing the bridge - all attempting to outwit the chance of a bullet ending his life.
He can see the deprivation of war and tease and joke as if he lives in a dream that he, like the pigeons have been caught while still trying to fly away. He thinks of the men in the hills "killing them slowly, a half a dozen at a time so there will always be a few more to kill the next day" and if can just escape being one of the dead pigeons.
He is not only true to the bargaining aspect of grief but true to his name, 'Kenan', a Turkish name so of course he had to go through the Turkish part of town. Although a Turkish name, its roots are Hebrew as in the son of Enoch and means Possession - the name Kenan also has roots in Arabic and Kabyle, the Berber tribes of northern Algeria and like the nomadic Berbers, he traverses across Sarajevo for water.
BARGAINING Before a loss, it seems like you will do anything if only your loved one would be spared. “Please God, ” you bargain, “I will never be angry at my wife again if you’ll just let her live.”
After a loss, bargaining may take the form of a temporary truce. “What if I devote the rest of my life to helping others. Then can I wake up and realize this has all been a bad dream?”
We become lost in a maze of “If only…” or “What if…” statements. We want life returned to what is was; we want our loved one restored. We want to go back in time: find the tumor sooner, recognize the illness more quickly, stop the accident from happening…if only, if only, if only.
Guilt is often bargaining’s companion. The “if onlys” cause us to find fault in ourselves and what we “think” we could have done differently. We may even bargain with the pain. We will do anything not to feel the pain of this loss. We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the hurt.