Sheila, I was not for one minute criticising parents who look after their children - I hope you didn't think so, because I think you are doing a wonderful thing for your daughter, who is obviously trying very hard indeed to help herself - I had a client like you, in a similar position, (daughter had been abandoned with two young children by total waster of husband - partly as a result of all the stress, daughter is now too ill to work, and granny has brought up the grandchildren as her own - they are both now independent and happy people, both very good to her) and I have nothing but admiration for how you and she have helped and supported their adult children - the world is very hard for them these days. Several of my friends are still supporting their children who have graduated and can't, despite their best efforts, get jobs - they do this willingly and I would do the same. My mother's best school friend also brought up her grandson and he is now a senior policeman with a family of his own, and is devoted to his grandma. The situations I was talking about were those in which the adult child(ren) cause their parents unnecessary grief and worry through their own selfishness - for example, this same client of mine also had an adult son who had a good job in London but had gambled away all of his money and run up terrible debts - his poor mother came to us frantic with worry that his creditors might be able to take action against her (there were complicated property arrangements) even though she would never have owed anyone a penny in her life - that is the kind of thing that I find so sad.
I would do anything I could to help any of my three children, but it is heartbreaking to see older people having to worry so much when their particular children's troubles have been self-inflicted.
Barb - your daughter and her family are also wonderful, what a good thing they are doing. I take my hat off to people who do fostering, they give so many children and teenagers such a good start in life, when otherwise they would have been lost.
MaryPage, you are another saint! But I bet your daughter and her husband know that and will always be so grateful to you for all you do for them. I have a neighbour who had a fourth, unexpected, child 14 years after the third - neighbour had just re-trained and gone back to work when this happened, - her mother (who fortunately lives very nearby) was over the moon with joy and has helped out with masses of child care, housework, etc - this "baby" is now at school, but granny is still a big part of her life. I remarked to her once that she was wonderful to do all this - she replied "I see it as my privilege" which I felt was such a lovely reply. I sincerely hope that I will be able to be part of my children's lives like that when they are older (though at this rate I will be in my dotage) - as you say Mary, family should always come first - I just meant that it should work both ways, which for the majority of us it thankfully does - unfortunately in my job I tend to see more of the times when it doesn't, and I don't think elderly people should be treated the way some of them are by their offspring.
As Barb says, all of the stories here are examples of love in action; there is nothing better than that.
Rosemary
