End of Your Life Book Club, The ~ by William Schwalbe - March Book Club Online

[PatH]

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The End of Your Life Book Club
Will Schwalbe

“That’s one of the things that books do. They help us talk. But they also give us something we all can talk about when we don’t want to talk about ourselves. ”Will Schwalbe In The End of Your Life Book Club, Will and Mary Anne Schwalbe share their hopes and concerns with each other—and rediscover their lives—through their favorite books. Afghanistan Center at Kabul University Mary Anne Schwalbe

Discussion Schedule:
March 1 - 8 --  to page 83 (end of The Hobbit)
March 9 - 15 -- to page 169 (end of The Painted Veil)
March 16 - 22 -- to page 249 (end of Girls Like Us)
March 23 - 31 -- to page 329 (finish)

For Your Consideration
March 23 - 31 -- to page 329 (finish]

To think of throughout: When he describes a book, have you read it?  If yes, how does your take on the book compare with his?  If no, does this make you want to read it?

1.  If Will hadn't known that there was little time left in which his mother could see the results, do you think Will would have quit his job and started his website?

2.  When they see an apartment, Will and Mary Anne imagine how they would live in it.  Do you do that?

3.  Although momentarily dismayed, the Schwalbes accept Will's gayness (and later that of his sister) with love and support.  How would you feel in such a situation?

4.  Christopher Isherwood's Christopher and His Kind helped Will make sense of his life.  What books have done that for you?

5.  "Everyone doesn't have to do everything" Mary Ann says of her lack of creativity.  Where do you concentrate your efforts?

Windup: What will you bring away from this book--books to  read, things learned, resolutions made, ways of looking at things, etc?


 

Related Links::Pre-Discussion Comments; Will Schwalbe Interview; Women's Refugee Commission

DISCUSSION LEADERS: Pedln &  PatH

[PatH]

One thing I will take away from the book:  In The Price of Salt, a saleswoman's life is changed because one customer gives her a kindly, friendly greeting.  Olive Kitteridge thinks in terms of "big bursts" and "little bursts".  Big bursts, marriage, children, etc are the important things that keep you going, but they are also scary and fraught with danger.  Little bursts, things like a casual nice gesture from someone, keep you going in between.  You need both.

This reminds me to keep up a campaign I have of trying to make this town (DC) less grumpy, one smile at a time.  In casual exchanges, I try to be pleasant, smile, phrase the conversation in a way that's positively reinforcing to the other person (for example "you're right" instead of "yes").  I let people in in traffic (DC traffic is particularly grumpy) and so on.  I figure the slight bit of pleasantness might travel on to the next exchange or so before it dies out.  It's a drop in the bucket, but the bucket is filled by drops.

[pedln]

Those are good things to take away from this reading and discussion, Pat.  I like the idea of "big bursts" and "little bursts."   As you say, those little bursts are what keep you going.  Be kind, and if something needs to be done, do it. Don't just think about it.  Reach out. There are so many things to take away.

Thank you notes. Write them, the sooner the better.  And we do remember, don't we.  I'm thinking right now of a note from Libby, a church leader,  who wrote me because my high school son (now 51 years old) pitched in and helped wash dishes after a church dinner.  If it hadn't been for the note I would never have known.

I want to take away/remember so many books.  And Will gets the credit for that -- his words, making them come alive.  I want to know what happens to Teza in The Lizard Cage, and Nita in the Alice Munro short story.  And even if it will be hard and unsettling, I want to know Mariatu Kamara  and Ishmael Beah  through their own words.

[PatH]

Back to The Lizard Cage:

MA: I particularly like that last phrase, about protecting your own happiness.
Will: But how can you protect your own happiness when you can't control the beatings?
MA:  That's the point, Will.  You can't control the beatings.  But maybe you can have some control over your happiness.  As long as he can, well, then, he still has something worth living for.  And when he's no longer able, he knows he's done all he can.

In his mind Will replaces "beatings" with "cancer".  Mary Ann kept control of her happiness to the end.  You could say that when she went into hospice she felt she had done all she could, but that's not altogether true.  She couldn't control the weakness, the pain, etc, but right up to the end she was still setting her own parameters.  She died on her terms, all honor to her.

What all of us are going to carry away from this book is the indelible memory of an amazing woman and her remarkable family.  I don't think any of us will forget her.

[mabel1015j]

You're right Pat, i won't forget her or Will, what a wonderful son and how nice to read of a lovely mother/son relationship, even with some bumps along the way.

I also like your campaign, can you go down to the capitol and spread a few little bursts? Maybe they'll take the hint.

Thanks for pointing me toward this book, i will go back and reread some passages. Thanks for leading the discussion and to all of you who commented, i enjoyed your persectives.

Jean

[Jonathan]

I'm surprised to hear about grumpy Washington. I'll have to accept that coming from a native. Good luck, Pat, with your efforts to do something about it. Setting a good example is surely the best way.

How about Will's feelings about the hypocrisy he encounters on New York City streets the rudeness of pedestrians in a hurry and being held up by a frail senior? And Mary Anne was having a lot of difficulty the last while, but determined that her own feet would take her across the busy streets.

That reminds me of a chance encounter many, many years ago in a wilderness camp in the Adirondacks, with a couple of guys from NYC. I was envious. I asked about life in the big city. They were unenthusiastic. As for life on the street, I was told there were only a few basic rules to survive. Primarily, never make eye contact with anybody, and apologize profusely if you accidently make physical contact.

There is so much one can take away from this book. Naturally, many of the books sound interesting. I've already got several. And I must get around to reading some of Thomas Mann. But in the end, I find the books providing only a gilded frame for a sorrowful picture.

[PatH]

Washington isn't as grumpy as New York, it's about average.  But the traffic is VERY grumpy.

[pedln]

But in the end, I find the books providing only a gilded frame for a sorrowful picture.

But oh my, what if there had been no books, no book club.  Mary Anne would not  have slouched around under any circumstances, but the books made everything so much better, and gave her  another chance to reach out

"Mom showed me that books can be how we get closer to each other, and stay close, .  .   .   . even after one of them has died."

[pedln]

All of us have probably said at least once, "That's the way I'd like to go,"  Usually after hearing about the sudden death of someone we knew.  Like the friend who went to visit a niece in Prague with her daughter and SIL and died of a heart attack right after saying how wonderful she felt. Or like my 80-something aunt who woke up on a Sunday, went out for dinner with her sisters after church, then attended a play in the afternoon, went to bed and didn’t wake up on Monday.  Unexpected, hard on the family, no suffering, but a life cut short.

Then there are deaths like Mary Anne’s and others who have terminal illnesses.  The benefits of time battle with the illness itself, the side effects of medication, the changes in the body.  Will shared some of that with us, but overall his tone was more positive, albeit realistic.  I think Mary Anne was fortunate in many ways.  She had a loving family that was free to be with her when needed.  She had a doctor who treated her kindly.  She was able to travel, she could make realistic  plans and carry them out, and she had the joy of knowing that her efforts for others were bearing fruit, and that a project most near and dear to her would be completed.  She could read almost until the end, and was able to die in her own home.

Tough choices here for sad endings.

[Jonathan]

Grumpy? That's not the way I remember Washington. I sensed the power and the beauty. The architecture supplied the power and the cherry blossoms the beauty. Just the other day I took a book of the shelf I hadn't looked into in twenty-five years and there they were, beautiful pink blossoms. The dropped onto the page that long ago while I sat under one of the famous cherry trees reading the book. Let me see. I think that was the year President Reagan was in Moscow and it was announced that he had signed a nuclear weapons accord. I remember the senators coming out to meet the media with their congratulatory statements. Ted Kennedy, Carl Levin, and others. I remember the young man who wanted his book autographed by a senator. Naturally the senator wanted to know what he was signing. It was Plato's Republic. Wasn't that neat.

I have my own opinion of New York traffic. Snarly. The citizens alway seemed friendly after the New York fahion.

Quote: 'but the books made everything so much better, and gave her  another chance to reach out.'

Just so, Pedln. I've felt all along that it was the books that gave her life meaning and purpose, and the will to live, and did her more good than the medication. And the books do something wonderful for Will's book. It's certainly a novel way of handling grief. Just as long as one doesn't lose sight of Mom. Her life deserves another book. With photos. Can you imagine an illustrated edition of this book? Not the treatments. The diversions.

'Thy Kingdom Come.' The last words she may have read. Her own hard work made it seem possible for so many refugees and unfortunates.

[PatH]

Jonathan, the power and the beauty don't ever get old.  I still get a lump in my throat when I see some parts of my fair city.

[pedln]

It's hard to believe this is the end of the month. Probably because it is also Easter, which makes me think of new life, new beginnings.  But, nevertheless, it is time to end what has been a very positvie discussion, providing much for all of us to think about.  Thanks to everyone who posted and helped make it so.

We'll keep the site open for another day or so, so please feel free to make any additional  comments.

Both the discussion and the book have given us lots of recommendations for future reading AND re-reading.  Not just us, but people from all over, as can be seen in these Tweets sent to Will Schwalbe.  His words have brought a certain excitement to books and reading.

 

I cannot tell you how much your book moved me. It inspired me to read/re-read some classics - and exposed me to some I'd not known

.

Just read ur End of Life Book Club.fell in love with ur mom. Sobbed w/ u at the elevator.Now will read so many books u mentioned.

We loved End of YOur LIfe Book Club so much that we started a group challenge to read books that you read w/your mom! KUYH book club

Today's Review from Bahrain

[JoanP]

Oh good! The lights are still on and you are still here! The last few days have been hectic around here and I really wanted to thank Pedln and PatH for their splendid job leading what has to have been a difficult discussion to lead at times.  You managed to keep our focus on the books, while acknowledging what the remarkable son and his amazing mother were feeling as her life came to an end.
I  feel such an awareness of the need to make each day count after reading of Mary Ann 's approach to life and can think of no greater gift from Will.

  Thank you both, and thank you, Will Schwalbe for sharing your story with us.

ps  Off to the library to pick up Alice Munro's short stories - Too Much Happiness

pps How fitting to learn before we close, that the Library in Kabul officially opened a few hours ago today!

[Jonathan]

The lights are still on. Oh good! I can't help feeling that Mary Anne Schwalbe would want them left on so that we could finish the book we're reading. And she certainly left us with a pile of them.

I've just picked up the Munro stories. What do you make of them, JoanP? Are you finding the happiness suggested by the title? Too Much Happiness. After reading the first story I find the title ironic. A most unusual story.

Will writes: 'We then talked about the books. She'd finished the Alice Munro stories and loved them. "They kept me happy all weekend," she said

That's a mystery that baffles me. How did she read the stories? She has left me feeling guilty about my life. I've done so little with it. Took early retirement in fact, twenty-five years ago, thinking my work on earth was finished. At that age she set out with her new mission, to make the world a better place. Oh, well. Perhaps I'll be given a second chance. She felt everyone deserved that.

A profound discussion. Thanks to everyone.

[Jonathan]

Can it possibly be that her happiness is an example of the old adage that misery likes company? No. She never had time to feel that way. Better to feel that it showed her compassionate nature.

[JoanP]

Jonathan, I puzzle too over the fact that Alice Munro's  stories made Mary Ann Schwalbe "happy all weekend."  I have to admit I'm not finding the happiness suggested by the title.  I find them fascinating though.  Mary Ann wants Will to read the story, "Free Radicals"...I plan to read that now.  It's about Nita, a woman who is a big reader,  dying of cancer.  "Books save  "Nita's soul, and a story saves her life, or at least it does so temporarily."


I read the last story in the book - the "Too Much Happiness" story after which the collection is named.  As she loses conscientousness, Sophia says the words - "too much happiness."  I found I had to go back and reread the whole story -  and still don't see the happiness.  Either it's meant to be ironic, as you suggest - OR she truely believes she has something to be happy about - although it doesn't appear to be so to us.  Will stayed up the night finishing the book and says "I could see why Mom liked that story the most.  All readers have reading in common." 
That leaves me with a consoling thought - and hope for such a happy ending with a good book that makes me happy at my side.

I agree - a profound discussion. Thanks for coming back in and sharing with us, Jonathan.

[pedln]

Thank you Jonathan and JoanP for your comments about "Too Much Happiness."  That's another title that is joining so many others from this book on my TBR list.  There is something special about reading about readers, and their books.

Thanks again to everyone who posted here and made this such a worth while discussion.  This is the final post, but the entire discussion can be found in Archives after today.