Hi Everyone!

Well, I’m feeling inspired and pretty doggone motivated after seeing all the work Wally has put into answering the entire lot of questions that have been asked of him. So now I will attempt to do the same, and then hopefully I’ll be able to get it all cut and pasted into posts before this weekend is over.

I’ll start with the questions listed for me in your beautiful header section:

1. Nancy B, tell us more about your life on the road as a traveling author, what are the questions like?

1. I believe I already answered this in a post a little while back. Robin, Nancy W., and Tabbi have done a lot more book-related promo stuff than I have, mostly since I live so far away from the rest of them. I did make it to a couple of events, though. The first one felt stressful, exhausting and overwhelming. The people we met at the bookstore were great, but in all honesty, I was very happy and felt most grateful to get back to my quiet unexciting homelife out in the hills of southern Indiana. The second event I attempted to make was cancelled (after I'd flown into CT for it), due to a major snowstorm. Instead I spent several days re-connecting with my family (from which I'd been estranged for years - more about that a little later). Also I managed to spend some time with Robin Cullen who was kind enough to drive across state, immediately behind the snow plows, to meet us for dinner and some hours of great chat time. The third and final trip for me was back to CT the following month for the re-scheduled date of the snowed out event. That night felt magical to me - possibly the best night of my life. Wally, Robin, Nancy W., Dale and I were all together for a dinner, reading, Q and A session, and book-signing for an overflow crowd at a community college in Norwich CT, my family's hometown. It was so much fun, especially the "gigglefest" we women had out in the parking lot after Wally left! This was so much more than a book promo date for me, though; it was also a very healing homecoming for a little girl who'd run away without looking back, many, many years before.

2. The Wizard of Oz is a movie that spoke personally to you. I have seen it often. After reading about what you took from the movie, I will look at it from a different perspective. It is no secret that Judy Garland led a troubled and painful life. Did you think of Judy Garland when watching The Wizard of Oz? Did you compare her life to yours? -- Hats

2. No, I didn't think of Judy Garland at all or even much about the character of Dorothy, as I wrote my essay. Mostly I focused entirely on more disturbing images of the film, those son-of-a-you-know- whatin' monkeys and also the "sing-songy chanting" of the witch's castle guards (which I've since co-related to the chanting in my childhood cannibal nightmares). It was only after my piece was close to finished that I watched a video of the W of O and also a "made for TV" biography of Judy Garland's life (I saw both of these roughly around the same time), that I began making comparisons between my own life and the lives of both the Dorothy character AND to Judy Garland and her eerily similar struggles in life. You see, even I have made some connections and learned some things in retrospect, concerning my own essay!

3. How did they de-tox people in the prison where you were? Were certain prescribed drugs and therapy offered along with 12 Step programs, or was the only method of detoxification "cold turkey"? --Mal

3. I'm not sure about other facilities, but in the KY prison where I was incarcerated, it would be rare for a woman not to be fairly well de-toxed prior to arriving. The prison is not used as a holding facility, so women generally do not arrive there until post-sentencing, and even then two or so weeks have elapsed in a county jail before transport to the prison. I did, however, witness some brutal de-tox incidents while I was in the county jail where no medical intervention was provided. One women de-toxing from dilaudid experienced a series of seizures that were reported to supervising officers by me and fellow inmates. In the three days I spent in a temporary dorm with the woman, I never saw her receive any medical attention. The same held true for a woman who was brought in for a DUI. After hours locked up, she begged for some sustinance, saying that she had diabetes and felt like she was going into shock. A Dr. was summoned only AFTER she actually did go fully into shock. All she asked for was a glass of juice or a piece of candy. In my own case, I experienced a rather severe asthma attack and had a prescription inhaler in my purse (which had been seized upon my arrest). No Dr. was notified; instead I was made fun of. On my third day in jail, with a badly stuffed nose, unable to speak because my voice was so hoarse, and with both eyes almost swollen shut from allergies, I was finally given over-the-counter Actifed, which actually helped immensely. I really don't understand having to wait 3 days to simply be afforded the ability to breathe adequately, though.

4. How long did it take you to write this? Did you add the Oz and the Monkeys from the first or later on? The images are very well done and woven in, very complex.

4. About a year and a half (on and off), from start to finish. I believe I answered this one in much more detail during one of my online discussion visits. .

5. What did the evaluation sheet assessment mean by "expansive personality?" That would seem an asset, to me?

5. Ginny, I chuckled when I read your question concerning my psychological assessment and a diagnosis of "expansive personality." You commented that it sounds like an asset. Let's just say that most mental disabilities have labels that are a bit euphemistic. Here's what the DSM IV (diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders) has to say about personality disorders in general: "Personality Disorders are distinguished by enduring, maladaptive, and inflexible patterns of perceiving, relating to, or thinking about one's environment or oneself. The maladaptive patterns cause significant impairment in functioning and major distress to the individual." An "expansive" personality would fall into cluster B of three distinct possible clusters. Cluster B is the "dramatic-emotional cluster, which includes Antisocial, Borderline, and Histrionic disorders." Although a character living life through the distortion of symptoms in this type of personality disorder would make for great fiction, it caused me to be one screwed up chickadee for many, many years.

6. You said on page 140 that "An addict who wishes to hold true to the principles of her recovery must conquer her shame and regret over the past and, as much as possible, share her experience with others." Could you elaborate on that a bit? How is the conquering regret over the past part of this sequence?

6. An addict who wishes to hold true to the principles of her recovery must conquer her shame and regret over the past and, as much as possible, share her experience with others." Elaborate? Hmmm, that's a good one, but for now I'm going to put this particular question on the shelf for a little while longer; it's so paramount to the entire thesis of my essay. Shame and secret-keeping, secret-keeping and shame; as far as I'm concerned they are deficits of character that are potentially a deadly duo. I want to think for a little while longer about trying to create a better understanding of what I mean, OK?

7. Nancy, why did you title it "Three Steps Past the Monkeys?" OH and I have a MILLION MORE, those are just to start us off, what do YOU all have to ask?

7. Concerning the title, "Three Steps Past the Monkeys," well, I want to thank all of you for humoring my request to tell me what your thoughts about it are! I'm impressed and also most happy to know that many of you readers really did "get" the true meaning of the title. Originally, I wanted it to be Three Steps TOWARD the Monkeys, and it definitely had everything to do with those first three of the twelve-steps of recovery and my inability to look at any of the scary stuff from my past, without first getting through those initial recovery steps. Wally proposed the title, "Monkeys." This was one of the few things we went back and forth about a few times. Getting "three steps" into that title felt really important to me, but Wally thought the simpler title might work better. I continued defending my case. I liked the play on words, and I thought out so many of the examples all of you came up with, even the monkey on my back, the see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil monkeys, etc. Eventually, we agreed on my title, only with the word "toward" changed to "past." I think I still would have preferred the word "toward," since I certainly didn't get past any monkeys or much of anything else for many years. As a matter of fact, in some ways I continue struggling to fully get there, but I compromised when I got to keep the "three steps" in my title!

8-12 are all repeated questions. I will try to write more tonight, beginning with question 13.

Until then, though, in order to maybe clarify questions about "stipends" upon release from prison, or any kind of "help" post-prison, here is what my experience looked like:

My release from prison was a surprise to everyone involved, including me. My judge sent a belated order (after denying my request at an earlier hearing) for my sentence to be suspended and for me to be released, along with instructions for me to report to my county's parole/probation dept. the next day.

The prison was approximately 45 miles from where I lived, and because I did not know I was going to be released, I had no transportation arranged ahead of time. I made a few phone calls in between conducting business in various prison departments in preperation for my exit.

When I was finished with the process, I got escorted to the front gate (carrying a paper bag and a box with all my personal items, and my returned purse). I was patted down one last time and walked through the gate. I then was told to leave the prison premesis, even though I had yet to manage finding a ride. I had two dollars and some cents in my purse, no transportation, and no phone to use (because I had to leave prison property immediately).

I walked (carrying a rather heavy load that included books, etc. I'd accumulated) for I guess about two miles to the main road, so I could use a pay phone at a convenience store there. The date was June 28th, and the temp was in the high 90's. I thought about begging somebody along the way to let me use their home phone, but I was pretty sure nobody would, so I didn't bother.

Eventually, I abandoned the box I was carrying and continued walking until I got to the store. There I made a few phone calls, never reaching a real person, only answering machines, until I ran out of money. Then I sat on a curb and I waited and I waited, and I waited for somebody to call me back (and praying that the pay phone would actually ring in).

After about another hour, I was sorry I didn't call one fewer person and buy one soft drink instead, but eventually one of my friends did call me back, and she came to get me. I felt so grateful to be out of prison, that with the exception of it being so miserably hot outside, I didn't really mind much else about what happened (it actually disturbs me much more now than it did then).

The next day when I reported to my probation officer, I was given my very strict conditions I needed to adhere to for the next 5 years (again, not complaining, not even today -- truly grateful for my early release), but one of my conditions of release was to pay back a little over $2000.00 as restitution for costs related to the investigation that led to my indictments and subsequent incarceration. Again, I didn't really object to having to pay the money back; I think it was a fair request, but the terms were set up for a 6 month payback. I was not allowed to go back to my own work, since much of it took place in bars and nightclubs.

My subsequent panic became so intense that it virtually debilitated me; I was sure I would have to go back to prison to serve out the entire 7 years, because I thought there was no way I could ever pay back that much money. One thing I ask you to believe is that gainful employment, once you have a felony conviction, remains extremely difficult even many years later, and even after attaining an education (I've only recently made it over the $10.00 an hour pay mark myself).

Over the years, there were so many times I asked for help from various agencies. All I wanted to do was get out of an abusive environment without having to be homeless to do it (which is how I eventually had to do it -- I lived in a friend's garage "apartment" for the first 9 months after finally leaving, paying $50.00 a month for rent). The answer I always got was that because I had a viable income, even though completely controlled by my abusive spouse, I did not qualify for any assistance.

I could ramble on for hours about overcoming obstacles, but the one thing I hope everyone can end up realizing is that even today, as the only contributor to our book who is fully free from any post-publication consequences impinged by the state of CT, the money I have received in no way feels like a windfall. The one difference it's made is that I can finally give a little money away to help some other people.

I have paid tens of thousands of dollars in taxes over the past 15 years, and I've volunteered thousands of hours of community service. I do not believe I have ended up owing my state anything over my incarceration; to the contrary, I've paid for mine and probably for a few others' too! But I really believe it was the result of some amazing devine intervention that I've ended up making it to the other side. I will always assert that it would have been impossible otherwise.

This is the point of my ramble; a healing and rehabilitative process can take a long, long time -- years in most cases. Imagine how it must feel to finally take on some serious responsibilty in your life (perhaps for the first time ever) and then ending up continuing to be "punished" and continuing to receive negative consequences for your positive actions. Without very much positive reinforcement, persevering can become really difficult.


Responses to Questions 13 - 24

Responses to Questions 25 - 38

Responses to Questions 39 - 44

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